WOW!  Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are engaged?? And they announced it to OK! Magazine?  Check it out…

….oh wait…

They’re not actually engaged!   They’re talking about the Bella and Edward engagement.  And that’s not even right, since he actually proposes to her at the end of New Moon, and Bella finally agrees to it in Eclipse, but anyway…

I JUST SPENT MONEY ON THIS CRAP?  WHAT???

Ah yes.  The enticing tabloid cover.  Isn’t it pretty?  Look how bold it is!  Huge headlines, scandalous photos and so much more.  It just sucks you in.  Let’s make our own!

Step One:  Choose Your Subject

Choose carefully.  You want something that is going to grab the largest group of readers.  You want someone attractive.  And sex sells.  Therefore…

Robert Pattinson

Very well done!  You get an A+ on subject selection.   That was easy, wasn’t it?

Step Two:  Choose Your Photo

Now as much as you’d like to use that scandalous, fuzzy taken-from-afar papparazzi shot, it really doesn’t make great cover material.  So go for something posed.  

If you are dissing your subject, choose the least flattering photo as possible.  I’m talking the kind of photo that makes people say, “Wait a minute, is that really Joe Schmoe from 1994’s Gidget Goes to Hollywood?  Holy crap!!  What the hell happened to him!” 

This is risky, though.  Remember your mantra.  Sex sells.  So, if you’re doing a “they are engaged/married/sexing/cheating/heartbroken/in love” cover it’s preferable to keep it as sexy as possible.  Note the People Magazine cover selection.  Nicely done!  I’m drooling and opening my wallet already.   

Oh, and of course if you have a highly-embarassing mug shot, that always works, too!  No need to stand on ethics or principles here!  It’s a tabloid!

Step Three:  The Headline

Now is where you really get to have fun and be creative!  It’s time to release  your inner child:  the headline is all about bright colors and bold words. 

Of course, always keep in mind the most important detail:  Sex sells.  So no matter what your story is about, you have to somehow bring it back to sex.  Always.

And don’t be worried if your story is just sort of so-so and doesn’t have anything new to say.  Headlines are all about creative writing!  Let’s do a few examples:

Story:  Rob stopped by a Starbucks alone for a coffee after filming one day.

Lonely Rob Heartbroken without Kristen!

Story:  Xavier Samuel flies to Vancouver for Eclipse filming.

A New Vampire Woos Kristen!

Story:  Rob announces new film project.

Hollywood Tears Rob & Kristen Apart!

See, isn’t that fun?  Now don’t worry about silly things like what the story is actually about.  We’ll put a subheadline under there to add a few details, like “Source Reports Rob Depressed With Kristen Gone” or “Robert Pattinson Jealous As Lookalike Vamp Comes On The Scene”. 

There are just three rules on headline writing:  be brief, use the exclamation mark (always!), and the only acceptable colors for a headline are yellow, pink or white.

Don’t mess with us here.  Don’t try to break the rules.  Only the real experts can do that.

- - -

So there you go.  Wasn’t that simple?  Now that you’ve completed our Pattinson Anonymous School of Tabloid Journalism - Headlines 101 class, you’re ready to go out there and make some headlines of your own!

We here at the PA offices are going to take a break and go have a Coke.  Or as our headline would read:

Coke Use Plagues Sexy PA Team!

Tags: gossip, media, photos

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 at 2:23 pm and is filed under The Anonymous Note. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.